i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
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