I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Randomize
