So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
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