I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
