I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
