the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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