My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
