I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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