I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
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