Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
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