did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
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