He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
