bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
