It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Randomize
