Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Randomize
