if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
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