So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
