Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
