i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
you never un-have a 4some
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