I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
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