i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
