NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Randomize
