Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
whats a polygalesbian?
lesbian polygamists..duh.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Randomize
