listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
Is Oprah even human
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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