My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
