im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
