I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
