Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Randomize
