Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Randomize
