i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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