they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
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