I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
