i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
