yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Randomize
