he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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