Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
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