I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
