Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
i think i just lost a toe
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize
