well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
