my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Randomize
