I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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