Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
