You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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