There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Randomize
