Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Randomize
