Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
