Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I just threw up on my dentist
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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