whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
