We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
The feeling are messing with the penis
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
