Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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